Having a rough day...just need to sort it all out.

Usually, I try and write about something in my life that may inspire others. Motherhood comes with a unique set of challenges. Those challenges can be quite hard to endure. Sometimes you feel like you’re all alone in life, and hearing that someone else has gone through that same thing, can be comforting.

Today, I’m feeling just the opposite of comfort in numbers. I’m actually feeling rather raw.

I came home from a conference a few weekends ago, feeling refreshed and revived. The conference was all about finding your purpose and passion in life. A major theme throughout the weekend dealt with your own personal attitude, and realizing that God created you for a reason. I have to admit, I’m having a hard time with my attitude right now.

In life, I’ve dealt with a host of issues. One recurring theme in my life, unfortunately, has been a lack of confidence. I’ve had a hard time feeling like I’m worth much, and therefore haven’t had much confidence in myself as a person. I really have a hard time seeing myself as unique or special. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that God created me for a purpose, and He made me to be special. I can see that in everyone else, very easily at times. To be honest though, I have a very hard time seeing that in myself.

Growing up, I learned from my grandma how to do crafts. I thought I was pretty cool knowing how to cross-stitch and create things with plastic canvas. Then I went to a crafts show, and saw that a lot of other people did the same thing. I kind of gave that up at that point. I was struggling to find something that made me unique and significant. Being crafty was fun, but it didn’t make me unique.

As I got older, I found out that I could carry a tune. I loved music, and would have it on at any point possible. Singing along to the radio was like second nature. Then I tried out for a school musical, and my signing wasn’t unique enough. Cassandra had an amazing voice! Of course, she got the part. A few years go by, and I thought I’d try out for the junior high talent show. Again, nervous as could be, I gave my all, to be followed by Cassandra. My teacher told me “Your voice is okay, but her’s….there’s just nothing like it!”. That prompted me to stop singing in front of anyone, for many years.

As an adult, I’m still searching for what makes me unique. Thankfully, I’ve picked up crafts again. Although it’s not going to define me in history, it’s still a fun activity. I sing in front of people now, but never by myself anymore. I like being the backup singer…in hopes that singing a cool harmony will make me unique and stand out. Right now, though, the only outlet I have for doing that is overcrowded. I’m more frustrated than fulfilled in that area.

I found a few years ago, that I enjoy writing. Once again, though, that’s not a talent that is exclusive to me. I am surrounded by amazing writers in my family. But I find myself here, writing again, about feeling insignificant as a writer. Why is that? I have no idea why I’m even writing about it, or what I hope to get out of writing about my feelings today, or why I even feel the need to post my feelings on a public blog. I just have to write.


I don’t know if writing is going to put me in the history books. I don’t know if I’m ever going to really make a difference to anyone with my writing. To be brutally honest, that is something that has been hard to deal with. All I know is that as I get older, the more and more writing is a part of me. When I’m writing, I’m able to sort out my feelings. I’m able to not think about my shortcomings. It helps me sort out (like today) those raw feelings. It preserves those joyous moments with my kids. It helps me to really understand the depths of my feelings towards my husband. It even sometimes makes me understand what God has been telling me all along.

I’m significant.

I’m worth something.

I’m unique.

Even on the days that I feel raw.